In the last couple of weeks my mind and body have been on assualt course of broken toes, sun stroke ( credit due to the Marseilles heat) and the dreaded return of PANIC ATTACKS. Writing this post is a simple excerise in trying to exorise the anxiety that pulsates through my temples, my mind, sending so much kinetic energy through me I begin to shake and illuminate so bright, that all that surrounds me seems abstract and alien. Having just got back from the pub in order to avoid another one of those embaressing and emotional onsalughts; which would make any god-fearing person take a sabatical! I feel it is my duty to document my taking control of the situation. Does that make me superhuman? Being confronted by a mental film reel of every single fear and encounter that others try to hide and forget withing their subconcious, but instead, I, can now cope with it and almost forget it. As more letters dissapear into this document the further away I repel all of that angst. My pupils are no longer dilated and all seems to be back into perspective. I'm looking out onto a birdseye view of my life, standing ontop of the empire state building, the wind cooling down the acidic fire of fear which tries to burn through my chest but instead of my lungs searing into ash, I just breathe. It's all very, very, very stupid and erratic but talking about it seems to help. I hope this will be a joke, a chapter I look back on and laugh at rather than my entire life. Maybe, just maybe; I could be deleting this entry in a few weeks, so proud that it is no longer relevant to me or to anyone else but instead an objectification of my youth- ridden neuroticism.
Life is funny and deeply, deeply impulsive with its attacks. BUUUUT In words of Franklin D. Roosevelt ~ "There's nothing to fear but fear itself"
Over and out.
